


everybody wants a home

by catsinouterspace



Series: you found religion when you found out you could fall [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Non-Binary Sam, Non-binary character, Pre-Canon, Queer Themes, Questioning, Religion, Stanford Era (Supernatural), Stanford Student Sam Winchester, Trans Character, agnostic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29353716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsinouterspace/pseuds/catsinouterspace
Summary: Escaping from a hunting life if all Sam's ever dreamed of but now he finds himself unsure of who he is without it. During Standford's Open Week Fair he just finds more questions.
Series: you found religion when you found out you could fall [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161626
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	everybody wants a home

Standford was a buzz of activity; banners the dark signature red of the college were lifted high on flag poles, tents housing hundreds of different stalls lined the paths of the college. Students were everywhere, from excited soon-to-be-freshmen, to seniors who were taking their time to finish off their degree; there were even a few high schoolers, eyes wide as they dragged their parents around. Sam can feel his heart beat quicken in his chest; he finds the excitement of the crowd thrumming in his own pulse. The thrill of actually being here, being at college, at _Stanford_ , on a full ride no less, mixes with the bitter taste of his father's shouts. Every time Sam felt a smile was about to grace his lips the echoing "if you walk out that door don’t you ever come back," snatches it from him.   
  
The Open Week Fair was very much the usual college affair; not that Sam knew what a usual college affair looked like. The more time Sam was spending away from his family the more he was realising he had very little idea of what usual _anything_ looked like. People with V energy drinks stood at the start of every aisle handing them out, a stall for the Economist offering a bargain at $10 for the year, as long as you remembered to close the account before it auto charged you the astronomical usual amount, and of course a club for just about everything. Anime? Dogs? Cats? Pokémon? Hiking? Football? Any and all interests one may have thought about, however briefly, had a club with a stall. The different stalls were clumped together, multi-cultural groups, sport groups, food groups. Sam, like many other students, spends his time in the food aisle. Stocking up on free packets of ramen, kebabs, and pizza slices. He habitually ducks his eyes as he walks past the row of religious stalls, as with the interest-based clubs there are stalls for everything. Every denomination of Christianity, Judaism, and Muslim, even atheists and Pastafarianists had a stall set up. Sam's downcast and hurried steps drew to a sudden halt when he saw a stall covered in rainbow flags, he found his feet stopping without his input as his eyes turned to a bright purple banner reading "Open Door Church."   
  
As with any stall at the Open Week Fair those behind the desk jumped upon any weakness. Any brief glance was going to be read as interest and the possibility to gain a new member, and thus, the ever coveted increased college funding that came with higher membership lists. The girl standing behind the desk waved Sam over, she had buzzed hair and nose ring. Her tank top was the same bright purple as the sign under which she stood. "Come on over," she grinned at him, waving enthusiastically, "we take all commers."   
  
Sam hesitated for a moment before walking over. This wasn't something talked about in his family. Sure, for a Winchester, demons are very real but believing in angels and God? Well, that was all a bit farfetched wasn't it? Not because the concept of such beings is absurd but because the idea that there might be something good in this world is. Someone who was back alive after three days should be killed again not called the Saviour. And the other thing the church was advocating for? Well, that also wasn't something a Winchester man was going to talk about.

Sam walked over to the store, offering the girl a quick smile before grabbing a brochure he glanced at the front page, there was a glossy picture of three people, arms slung casually around each other, a rainbow cross at the top of the page.

“I’m Cathy,” The girl grins broadly at Sam, her teeth slightly crooked but in an endearing way. Now that he’s closer, Sam can see the bright yellow she/her button pinned on her chest. Sam hesitates for a moment, a brief spike of anxiety. _Over a pronoun badge?_ He asks himself, _Why?_

He draws himself away from those thoughts as he often had before, often enough that he didn’t even notice the habit. “Sam.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Sam,” Cathy holds out her hand and Sam takes it.

“Were you raised religious?” The girl asks, her voice soft, mistaking Sam’s earlier hesitation as worry about religion itself. He supposed he had looked a bit like a deer in headlights, staring at the stall as throngs of college students, and college students to be, walked past.

Sam shrugs one shoulder, “Sort of.” He may as well have been.

“You should come to one of our sermons,” Cathy’s smile was gentle, just a slight curve of her lips. “It’s all the good parts and none of the bad.”

“There weren’t any good parts,” Sam says, he instantly regrets the words, can’t believe he’s said them. A reel of every good moment he had with his family, a movie night, Dean ruffling his hair, his dad buying him the legos he’d been eyeing but knew the price tag would be better spent on ammo, Dean teaching him how to ride a bike; and over those memories was the ever echoing _don’t you ever come back._

Sam offers a tight grin, pinching his nose up as he does so, “Sorry.” He wasn’t going to make any friends if he dropped his family issues on every stranger, he talked to in the first thirty seconds of meeting them.

“Don’t be.” Cathy said, “A lot of people find the peace they’ve been looking for here.”

Sam chewed his lip, “I don’t know if this is right for me.” It’s the best way he can think to put it, _I don’t know if I believe in God?_ That was the age-old question. _I don’t know if I like religion?_ I already know what it’s like to have to bow down to an all-powerful authority figure. _I’m not gay._ Sam’s not sure why the rainbow adorned stall made him stop. He feels part of him aching but he’s not sure why, isn’t sure he _wants_ to know why.

Cathy nods understandingly, “Well we are the _Open_ Door church,” She offers him a broad grin, “Door will still be there if you want to leave through it too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I personally head cannon Sam, pre-season 4, to be agnostic, but like in that way in which people who are raised and live in a predominantly Christian society to be agnostic. Also with Destiel being The SPN thing I think we forget what a queer narrative Sam has, ditching his family as soon as possible, the worry about John not wanting to see him when he gets back, the awkward hug, the constant religious angst, like ugh the cinnamontography.
> 
> Also i have not engaged with any religion since I was 12 and left my catholic school so uh, i do Not know what I'm talking about in that regards.


End file.
